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 Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress

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aerwin
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Luca
Green Eyez
abrahammy
firecracker
frazzle
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Luca

Luca


Number of posts : 1611
Registration date : 2007-04-05

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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 12:09 am

We are here for you FC. You always have friends waiting for you when you need a shoulder. But, totally understand it if you need to take a break from everything right now.
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firecracker

firecracker


Number of posts : 4965
Localisation : In the COOKIE Jar!
Registration date : 2007-04-04

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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 6:58 am

Thanks I love you

Honestly, I just didn't feel up to talking yesterday. Not really today either. As you know Luca, Weds. was a long and very tough day and evening. I felt kinda sick yesterday and cried a lot. Dad is not having an easy time passing let me tell you. His body is being ravaged by the diabetes. He is covered in sores and hematomas that break open if he even bumps them. He is so swollen from the kidney failure. His face has swelled up and he can hardly open his eyes. Breathing is difficult. Mom has to hand feed what little he can eat. Hospice has set up 24 hour nurses so mom is never alone.

We think it could happen today (actually, I am praying it is since he is in such an awful state) Eric's already on winter break from college and Justin is not attending his last day at HS before winter break (it was just singing and an assembly anyway) and the boys are coming with me to spend the day with him. I am going to make his fave cookies while there and hopefully I can help him eat one.

He stated yesterday that he does not want a wake/viewing as his body/face are in such a state and he knows how tough that will be on us. He wants to be cremated first and then a memorial service and mass. We will probably set that up for the Saturday after New Years.

As heartbroken as I am to lose my dad, nothing in my life has been more heartbreaking than seeing the state he is in right now. He was such a sweet, kind, caring, loving and wonderful man and he SO does NOT deserve to be put through this awful ending.

I thought my Christmas wish would be for dad to stay with us for one more Christmas. Now the best gift would be for it all to finally end. This past week has just been unbearable for all of us. I am sadder than I ever thought was possible Crying or Very sad

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. I look forward to the day I can come here and visit in all the threads and talk about fun things like dolls and movies and Clay etc. I want so much to feel normal again. I fear how long that will take. Will I ever really feel normal and happy again? I am so afraid that not only will I feel this hole in my heart, but that the images from this past week will haunt me for a very long time.
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Luca

Luca


Number of posts : 1611
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 8:49 am

Quote :
As heartbroken as I am to lose my dad, nothing in my life has been more heartbreaking than seeing the state he is in right now. He was such a sweet, kind, caring, loving and wonderful man and he SO does NOT deserve to be put through this awful ending.

I thought my Christmas wish would be for dad to stay with us for one more Christmas. Now the best gift would be for it all to finally end. This past week has just been unbearable for all of us. I am sadder than I ever thought was possible
I am so sorry your poor Dad has to go though this and all of you have to witness him experience this final suffering. I hope for him and all of you that he finds peace soon. It sounds like it is coming close to the end and that it would be best for him if they keep him heavily sedated or semi-comatose. He has to be in so much pain and discomfort now.

Maybe you all can tell him it is ok to go that he will be going to a better place and that you will see him again,- he may need to hear that so he can let go.

Love to you and your family my lady. I think it will be normal that you will be grieving the loss of your Dad for a very long time. You will most likely never forget the horrible time he has gone through...but, the details will fade with time. My sister-in-law lost her 50 year old husband to brain cancer about 5 years ago and was left with two young children. He suffered quite a bit too at the end and the girls saw some of that because he also died at home on Hospice. They had to go into counseling to deal with the grief. There are options out there if you find you need them down the road to help you get through this.

Take care and we will be thinking about you.
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firecracker

firecracker


Number of posts : 4965
Localisation : In the COOKIE Jar!
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 9:34 am

Thanks.

I just talked to my mom and she doesn't want us to come until 1:00 PM as the nurses are doing things with him. They actually have him sitting in his wheelchair. My mom said this helped his coloring and his spirits, though he is cranky as a bear awoken early from his hibernation.

The hospice nurses said they don't know why the heart docs told us just a few days. That even though his heart is weak he could live longer. But the problem is he has more than the heart issue. I don't know that any of us can take weeks of this. If it were just the heart I would be happy for several weeks, but the sores and bloating and shaking No I don't know what to think, or hope for or do.

I am concerned because they took his catheter out. His primary doc felt the blood in the urine was due to his prostate (since he has had problems with that for years and many procedures done) and felt without the catheter he would form painful blockages like in the past where I had to take him to the ER.

Best I can understand they took it out because his penis was so raw he was having spasms. Now, what do we do if he has blockages? I am very worried about this. I am not sure they should have done this, but I am not medically trained so what do I know.

This is the thing, if he does live weeks (as these nurses have said he could) I will be worrying endlessly. Also, every time the phone rings my heart sinks. Weeks of being afraid of the phone ringing. Weeks of going to bed not knowing what the next day will bring. This is such an awful time.

Luca, I have already told myself that if I need a support group I will seek one out. We are lucky that this area has many places to turn when families are in need. I won't hesitate. That being said, I do have several friends and neighbors offering plenty of help. Some have already been through what I have.

Do you know a week ago today I was out Christmas shopping and the only worry I had about my dad was the new infection in his stump and if his vision problem would get worse. I never imagined while I was happily shopping and enjoying the Christmas music that a week later we would be in this horrible situation.

I am so sorry about your SIL's husband Crying or Very sad What a sad and heartbreaking situation for that family. I wish them all well.
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aerwin




Number of posts : 716
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 11:13 am

FC I am so sorry for your Dad and what he is going through. My Dad was suffering at the end of his life and I will say it is absolutely one of the worst things I have ever gone through. I still have a huge hole in my heart since my Dad has been gone. I wish I could do something for you. I know you are going through such a terrible time right now.
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Sky

Sky


Number of posts : 1260
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 1:54 pm

FC, I'd like to just wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug to try and comfort you. It's terrible that your Dad has to go through all this, at this time. When I lost my Twin, I struggled having to see her every day before she died and the same with my Dad. The images will be there, but they fade a little with time. I try to replace them with happy memories and images.
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firecracker

firecracker


Number of posts : 4965
Localisation : In the COOKIE Jar!
Registration date : 2007-04-04

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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 4:31 pm

Oh my goodness Sky! I had no idea you had and lost a twin No That must have been just unbearable. I have heard that twins have such an incredible bond. So sorry for your loss Crying or Very sad

Well, I just got home from visiting my folks. I had to get home early because I had to take Justin to work since I needed the Saturn and Eric left for work at 11:30 AM in my car and Rob was at work in his car. Besides, we have horrible fog again and I really wanted to be off the road before dark (driving home from my folks late Weds. in the fog was a nightmare) Rob will be picking Justin up at 11:00 PM (that goodness as I feel better than Justin driving in it) so I only have Eric to worry about. He leaves at work at 8:00 PM.

So anyway, I only got to spend a few hours there, but while we were there dad was much better than the last 2 days. He was sitting up. His color was better. His face and eyes were less swollen and his eyes were wide open. His voice sounded stronger and he was able to speak better (not getting out of breath so easy as the last two days). His blood pressure was up (the top number over 100, don't remember the bottom number) He still does not have much of an appetite, but he did eat one of the cookies I made him. I made them there so he could eat them warm out of the oven.

When I got there the Chaplain that works for the Hospice (Vitas it's called) was there talking with my dad. She was a lovely young black woman with a bright and beautiful smile and was so charming. I think she was what perked up my dad! She said a nice prayer with all of us before she left and said she would come back anytime we want her to.

Justin got to have a nice visit with my dad too before we left.

The nurse was very nice. She will be there until 7:00 PM and than another one will come and spend the night.

The funny part was that my dad was sitting up talking to the Chaplain naked! Due to diabetes and poor circulation he is always cold, but for some reason since the middle of the night he has felt way too warm. The nurse said it is normal in his condition. Anyway, he was too warm to have his shirt on and the catheter is back in (thank goodness) so he isn't wearing any bottoms (it's just easier I guess). He did have a sheet covering the appropriate spot thank goodness. Well, if you knew my dad you would know how out of character it is for him to be speaking to a young woman while undressed. I guess I just found some humor in that. My mom of course thinks it means his mind is going. Maybe it is. All I know was he was sitting up smiling and talking to a nice young woman and that was such a wonderful sight for these sore eyes let me tell you!

He feels so hot that he wanted the windows open. Um, dad it is the middle of December in the Chicago suburbs - no open windows Evil or Very Mad So no pain, just feeling uncomfortably hot. The nurse said that all the red marks on him are not diabetic sores, just really bad vasculitis - all his little blood vessels bursting so easily. It really is scary looking though.

So I guess he will have some up and some down days. I just called my mom and he is tired now. He did have a lot of company today though. His little old friend Frank stopped by with a beautiful pumpkin pie for them! It is such a roller coaster of emotions. When he is as bad as he was the last two days I am a mess and want it to just be over. Then I get a few wonderful hours like today and I feel like maybe he could be like he was today for Christmas! Just maybe! So I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time. Prepare for the worst possible day and be grateful for any good day that we have left.
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Luca

Luca


Number of posts : 1611
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 5:05 pm

Quote :
So I guess he will have some up and some down days. I just called my mom and he is tired now. He did have a lot of company today though. His little old friend Frank stopped by with a beautiful pumpkin pie for them! It is such a roller coaster of emotions. When he is as bad as he was the last two days I am a mess and want it to just be over. Then I get a few wonderful hours like today and I feel like maybe he could be like he was today for Christmas! Just maybe! So I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time. Prepare for the worst possible day and be grateful for any good day that we have left.
It is a roller coaster, that is exactly what I was thinking. I am so glad he had a good day. Hold on to that. It is a wonderful Christmas gift for you all.
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firecracker

firecracker


Number of posts : 4965
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 5:41 pm

Yes Luca. My roller coaster just took a downward slide. My mom called and while my dad was sleeping the nurse sat with my mom and talked to her about today.

She said that it is not uncommon for a good day now and then toward the end, but the nurse agrees with the doctors that there is not much time. We could be lucky and make it thru Xmas, but not much more. She said the fact that he never wants anything to drink and the appetite so bad are bad signs. Also the being so hot. He is so hot because of how hard it is just for him to talk as much as he did today. She said soon he will not be able to swallow and then we will know it is about over.

Damn, I mean I guess I knew, but boy I sure enjoyed the way I felt the last couple of hours Crying or Very sad I mean I actually haven't cried all afternoon. I just had this little fantasy going that my dad was going to prove the doctors wrong and have a turnaround. Oh well, he got to have a nice day with a good friend, family and a pretty lady.
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Luca

Luca


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 6:20 pm

Quote :
Damn, I mean I guess I knew, but boy I sure enjoyed the way I felt the last couple of hours I mean I actually haven't cried all afternoon. I just had this little fantasy going that my dad was going to prove the doctors wrong and have a turnaround. Oh well, he got to have a nice day with a good friend, family and a pretty lady.
I am glad the hospice nurse spoke candidly about what is happenning to your mother and to you so you don't get false hopes and stay prepared for what is ahead.

Today was a blessing...but, it is unfortunately only a temporary one. Sad
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Sky

Sky


Number of posts : 1260
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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeFri Dec 21, 2007 7:55 pm

Luca wrote:
Quote :
Damn, I mean I guess I knew, but boy I sure enjoyed the way I felt the last couple of hours I mean I actually haven't cried all afternoon. I just had this little fantasy going that my dad was going to prove the doctors wrong and have a turnaround. Oh well, he got to have a nice day with a good friend, family and a pretty lady.
I am glad the hospice nurse spoke candidly about what is happenning to your mother and to you so you don't get false hopes and stay prepared for what is ahead.

Today was a blessing...but, it is unfortunately only a temporary one. Sad

Me too...................false hopes are never good...........hugs.............
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firecracker

firecracker


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 7:19 am

Well, my mom called yesterday morning and said my dad was having a good day and INSISTED on getting into his wheelchair, which he had not been in since the day of the heart attack over a week ago. She said he even wanted to eat and drink. He did tell her that he really wanted all 4 of us to come and see him. So I decided to go with Abrahammy's suggestion and have our Christmas yesterday. I had his presents bought and wrapped before the heart attack so I just put them all in a nice Xmas bag, gathered up my mom's gifts, made Xmas cookies, put on my fun Xmas sweater and decided it was going to be a wonderful day!

I called Justin off sick for work (as his hours were such he wouldn't have been able to be with us and my dad did ask for all 4 of us) Eric came in the evening when he got off work and brought White Castles - my dad's favorite fast food carry-out!

He was alert and pretty talkative. He sat in his wheelchair from noon until we left at 9:00 PM. Rob and the boys helped get him back into bed. It was sad in that it was the last Christmas, but I am so grateful for yesterday!

The hospice nurses told my mom that dad is at stage 2 of the 3 stages of dying. The worst part for me yesterday was that his hands have swelled up so much with fluid that it looks like they are going to burst open Crying or Very sad He signed the car titles yesterday to turn them over to us and man was it hard for him to hold the pen and write. Hands shake really bad and he cannot focus to see where to sign. I had to guide his hand. It is clear he doesn't have much time and I think he put all he had into yesterday to have a nice day with us. I am a mess of emotions right now. I am heartbroken and both angry at God for this happening to my dad and yet grateful to God for letting us have yesterday.

I have a lot to do today, so I best get going. Just wanted to share this with you all.

Here is a pic of dad from yesterday. He looks good in the pic because you cannot see how ravaged his body is, just his sweet face!

Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 IM001929

Here he is with Eric the White Castle delivery boy! Dad eating his beloved onion rings! (looks like mom can't get that food in her mouth fast enough Razz )

Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 IM001936


Hospice is set-up in the lower level family room. Some of my cousins are going to go visit him this morning. I hope he has another good day!

Thanks again ladies for all you good thoughts!
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Luca

Luca


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 11:01 am

How wonderful that your Dad is having some good days and enjoying the holiday with you all! He does look amazingly good for what he is going though.

I see a family resemblance between your Dad and Eric! That is a really nice photo! Eric has let his hair grow long and it looks good on him!

I also hope the rest of the family gets to talk to him today and they have some quality time with him!
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Badger




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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 2:08 pm

How wonderful that you were able to give your dad such a great Christmas and that you could share these good days with him.
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abrahammy

abrahammy


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 2:43 pm

Quote :
Well, my mom called yesterday morning and said my dad was having a good day and INSISTED on getting into his wheelchair, which he had not been in since the day of the heart attack over a week ago. She said he even wanted to eat and drink. He did tell her that he really wanted all 4 of us to come and see him. So I decided to go with Abrahammy's suggestion and have our Christmas yesterday. I had his presents bought and wrapped before the heart attack so I just put them all in a nice Xmas bag, gathered up my mom's gifts, made Xmas cookies, put on my fun Xmas sweater and decided it was going to be a wonderful day!

I'm so glad. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you have this memory, I'm so glad he had that day. I'm so glad you let us see these pictures.
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firecracker

firecracker


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 4:13 pm

I'm so glad I did it too! I'm glad I have such nice photos to share with you of our special day! I am really glad you said to do it early. I wanted it to be on the actual Xmas Day, but you know when she said he was feeling really up - I just knew it was the right thing to do!
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Sky

Sky


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 5:03 pm

You picked a great day. Doesn't he look happy there next to his grandson and having an onion ring! Merry Christmas to you all!
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Green Eyez

Green Eyez


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 9:40 pm

Yay FC! Glad you had a good day with your dad. This will be a good memory to hold onto.
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frazzle

frazzle


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 23, 2007 11:40 pm

Yay for FC, dad, mom and boys.

I read your posts and then saw a video with David Bowie and Bing Crosby doing a wonderful duet of Drummer Boy (plus another song interspersed) that might be a sweet thing to see:
http://video.music.yahoo.com/up/music/music/?rn=1301797&vid=2152641
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firecracker

firecracker


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeMon Dec 24, 2007 9:03 am

Thanks ladies!

Thanks for the Bowie/Bing link Frazz~ Always nice to see young hot Bowie!!

Well, we truly were lucky to have Saturday because he is has not been doing so well since then. He told my mom yesterday that he knows he is dying and it might as well be soon Crying or Very sad I didn't want to go to our family celebration today, but mom said dad said he wants me to go and she does too. I am so conflicted about going. Hopefully he will do OK today and tomorrow. We are bringing his fave Chicago pizza to him tomorrow! I know he won't be able to eat much of it, but he'll appreciate it anyway and maybe get to eat one slice.

Mom's fave hospice nurse is with her today. Her name is Linda and she is the one who was with us most of Saturday. She is sweet and grew up on a farm in Iowa. Mom's going to make a nice little dinner for them.

So, I am praying that today goes well for all of us.
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Sky

Sky


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeMon Dec 24, 2007 9:44 am

I'll send my prayers with yours FC and hope that today goes well.
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aerwin




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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeMon Dec 24, 2007 11:00 am

AWW FC your Dad just looks so sweet. Your son is a doll and how sweet he must be. I am so glad you got to have a nice celebration. I hope everyone has a great holiday! My self I am ready for a bit of down time . All the hurrying and scurrying. Sheesh.
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firecracker

firecracker


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeMon Dec 24, 2007 11:28 am

Thanks Aerwin! Yes, my dad always had a sweet face and a kind heart I love you Thanks about Eric! He really is a doll baby! I have 4 wonderful guys in my life right now! I've been a lucky lady!
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frazzle

frazzle


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 30, 2007 8:20 pm

Arrrrrghghggh. I just found out that a very dear old friend died a few days ago.

I am heartbroken.

I have a different telephone number so nobody told me he was in the hospital.
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firecracker

firecracker


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PostSubject: Re: Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress   Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress - Page 7 Icon_minitimeSun Dec 30, 2007 8:43 pm

Oh no Frazz! That is so sad Crying or Very sad Poor guy. I am so sorry you didn't get to visit with him before he passed away. {{{{{Frazz}}}}}
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