Stranger Than Fiction Real Life Stories

So there has been some interest in hearing more about my Hillbilly wedding disaster from hell...well, I will see what I left out from my other
posts about it that may tickle your fancy. Some of it is humorous, other parts are just it was what it was...I can chuckle about it now, but it has taken a few years to get to that place!

Background: I got married to my second husband in 1986 in Smithville, Texas. (The small town where the film "Hope Floats" was filmed, population- less than 5,000!). He comes from a very large Catholic family of 10 children. I'm serious here! Really! His mother was called "Miss Kitty", bless her heart she passed away about 16 years ago...
and she was one tough and very interesting lady. (More about her later!)

We were living in sin in the big city, Dallas, at the time ( about 4.5 hours from Smithville), and planned to get married in my hubby's home town in the small, Catholic church there to please the family, and that is what my husband wanted too since many of his high school friends, and even some of his college friends still lived in the area.

Sounds like a fairly reasonable scenario so far right? !!!!

I had moved from Colorado to be with my future hubby and had left my friends, job, condo, to be with him and pursue our relationship. We had been having a long distance relationship going for about 7-8 months prior to me picking up stakes and moving. There were many tough transitions ahead, mainly financial hardships, but we decided to get married after living together about 10 months.

The setup: This was a low budget affair that we paid for. I got a ring from my grandmother that I hocked to pay for the wedding.
It was in February so I decided on red and white as my color scheme.
Original huh? Miss Kitty offered to make the bridesmaid dresses that
two of hubby's sisters were going to wear, and my size 0 bff from California was going to make her own. So Miss Kitty and I picked out the pattern and the fabric and off we go. Little did I know behind the scenes, the sisters hated the dresses, and especially after they tried them on. Miss Kitty always went for the drama and stuffed the already very puffy sleeves of the red, satin dresses with tissue paper. The effect on the well endowed, curvy and short Czech sisters was that of Texas Linebackers with the biggest, poofiest sleeves ever! Hey, it was the 80's and we all had the big hair to match! It was a fitting accompaniment to my husband's youngest brother's skin tight rental Tux pants that ripped as
he walked down he aisle! He actually was a former College football player!

The odd proportions of the bridesmaid's dresses was compounded by the extreme contrast in the sizes of myself and my maid of honor (I wore a 2-4 and she wore a 0) and the sisters who had 50+ pounds on us and whose sleeves were triple that of my maid of honors. Low and behold Miss Kitty had not followed the pattern....Imagine that! My bargain wedding dress that I had bought, had very simple cap sleeves with not a single bit of padding or embelishment either so picture a thin shouldered stick figure with big hair standing alongside the well endowed sisters in the red satin linebackers dresses ..

A step back the night before the wedding: Yes, the worst mistake a couple can make occurred. A bachelor party was planned for the night before the wedding. Yes, hubby's best man, his old college roommate was bound and determined to get him as drunk and crazy as possible. I pleaded with him before hand to eat something and drink only beer. Of course, that all went out the window when the jack black was whipped out and before my husband knew it-he was ripped out of his gourd. Jumping on people's backs, attacking them, and of course later throwing up all over the place. Really charming right? Well, of course the word got out to me of the going's on and some idiot drove me
out to see what sad state my fiance was in. And that is why I almost did'nt marry him. I came very close to bailing out on the whole deal. Of course my husband's brothers, sisters, and other miscellaneous family members calmed me down enough to go through with it...but, the groom was a sickly, green color for the ceremony and for a day or two after.

In fact his sickly, green around the gills pallor contrasted nicely with the drunk Priest's bright red face, and bloodshot eyes. The Priest was in such fine form he splashed me and my almost hubby with enough holy water
that it ran down my face during the ceremony...I kid you not! My maid of honor did'nt know what to do...it was certainly a comedy of errors to say the least!

And it goes on! But, that is enought for tonight!

I thought I'd just check in before going to bed and saw this. I have a very busy day tomorrow, but I'll probably lie awake laughing....it's hilarious! It's a good thing you are blessed with a great sense of humor and that very important attribute called sanity.

Oh goodness Luca, it sounds like an 80s sitcom!! I cannot wait to read more!!

A few things though - size 2-4??!! Dayum. The only size 2 I ever wore was 2T when I was a baby My first wedding dress was size 5 and my second size 8. I won't get into what size it would be right now

AND, I just know no matter what you were gorgeous that day! I saw the pix of you when you were younger at "the other board" and there is no way you didn't look beautiful! That said, man I would love to see pix of the bridesmaids! Those dresses sound like a scream! But oh so Texas 80s! Man, I wore a few bridesmaid dresses from hell back in the day I was in two wedding where the dresses were right out of Gone With The Wind with the ruffles, bows and big hoop skirts

I am so glad that you did go thru with the wedding though. 21 years of marriage is something to be so proud of! Clearly you two were meant to be!

So, we will be anxiously awaiting part 2!!!!

Oh, one more thing - are you from Colorado? How did you meet your Texan?

Thank you for that Luca! Very funny story and you write really well. I am picturing those dresses right now.

I have been to Smithville! I've passed thru it a few times on the way to Houston. Well, actually, I've passed the sign that says "Smithville, home of Hope Floats" or something. I've never made the turn-off. I've heard that parts of it are charming though.

Hilarious, Luca Cannot wait to hear more, as well as other stories from you and everybody.

Eeek! Glad I was able to remember some of the funnier moments for you all!

FC: Hubby and I met in Colorado...He was up from Texas overseeing a project. We met at a bar called "Meadow Muffins"!

I am going to try to scan some photos in for everyone...hope it works!

"Meadow Muffins"??? What a strange name for a bar. Sounds more like a bakery

Can.not.wait for pix!!

Some of the crime scene evidence....

The brothers and sisters in the wedding party...they are a good looking bunch are'nt they! But, did I exaggerate about the sleeves much?


The ripped pants, could they have been any tighter?...OMFG!


Does he look just a tad deranged or is it just me?




And in closing...this is how our car was decorated! Only in Texas! Austin, you can appreciate what I mean! There were lots of Aggies there!

Well, they really are a beautiful family! You looked gorgeous and classy!

What they wrote on the car is gross

Well the whole affair would make a great episode on " My name is Earl" if you ask me!

And I have only touched on the highlights or lowlights however you choose to look at it I guess!

Would love to hear someone else's stranger than fiction real life story!

Well, not sure I can think of any right now. Both of my weddings really were perfect and beautiful. I cannot believe how lucky I got in that regard.


Now the first marriage on the other hand is full of horror stories. Not funny ones I'm afraid. Unless you find an alcoholic husband who would get up in the night and pee in his underwear drawer funny

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Not funny ones I'm afraid. Unless you find an alcoholic husband who would get up in the night and pee in his underwear drawer funny

Actually that is really funny!!!!!!!

Was he a sleepwalker or a drinker?

A total alcoholic. He was my HS sweetheart. We got married really young. I knew he liked to party but had no idea how bad things really were. I had a midnight curfew and after he took me home he went to the bars with his friends and got drunk. So it wasn't until our honeymoon that I realized how bad off he was. Mostly he liked to beat the crap out of me for fun Lock me up in the bathroom while he went out. Cut cords on the TVs and radios so I had no entertainment. If I bought new shoes or clothes he would take a pair of scissors to them and cut them up. You know, all those fun things you used to see on those Lifetime movies. So yeah, peeing in his underwear drawer was the highlight of the marriage. That and how when I decided to leave him I got a large U-Haul and took every damn thing in the apartment except his clothes To this day my parents don't know how bad it was. If my father knew about the beatings (I would always make sure we didn't see each other when I had the bruises) he would have had him killed. I kid you not. I was a daddy's girl and only child and my father would have lost it if he knew.

So I wish I had more funny stuff to tell about that marriage but I can't think of any. He was handsome and the lead singer in a band so there were some fun nights at the clubs with good music, so I guess that was something.

FC, I had no idea he was that bad. I feel sick to my stomach that anyone could hurt such a sweet person as you-even if they were smashed out of their gourd, I can't imagine anyone being that mean. He was a real sick one.

I am so glad you got away and took everything the prick had. I'm sure you probably never pressed charges because you did'nt want anyone to know.

It was a real blessing you never had kids with him and that you wound up with your second hubby who really seems to be good to you. You so deserve it my laydee!

Thanks Luca You are right about the not pressing charges. I didn't want people to know. My best friend knew because I would run to her house to get away, and people at work pretty much knew. I would make up reasons for bruises or busted lips, but I knew they didn't buy it. Especially when my older German lady supervisor came up to me one day and just said "Leave the son of a bitch!" It was a tough time but I think I learned a lot from all of it. I sure knew what was important to look for the second time around, and you are right - hubby number 2 is wonderful to me and it has been an amazing 20 years! Yes, it was a good thing no kids with first husband. You know, he would wake up the next day and see me and remember what he did to me and cry his eyes out and beg for forgiveness. He would try to stop drinking for awhile and than fall off the wagon. I don't think he was mean, just really messed up from drinking and drugs. I stayed with him for 4 years, mostly out of fear of what he would do if I left. Surprisingly he totally understood. Said I deserved to take all the stuff for what he put me through, and never bothered me after the divorce at all. His parents were sweethearts. His dad died last year. His mom and I were close and we still send each other Xmas cards with letters and I send her pix of the boys and she sends pix of her grand-kids.

Now I've messed up this thread because this is suppose to be "Stranger than Fiction" and sadly what I went thru is all too common and many of those women don't get to make a clean break or even live thru it. I will try to think of funny or odd things to add to these thread.

Wow FC! I'm so sorry about what you went thru. But at least you were able to get away and you didn't have kids with him. Years ago, in Florida, before I had kids, I volunteered in an abused women's shelter. I played with the kids one afternoon a week. I felt so bad for them.

Luca, thank you for the pictures! And yes, Texas. Don't need to say more.

It seems that the dress on the left has MUCH huger sleeves than the one on the right. Or maybe it's just the perspective? I don't know.

Thanks Austin

How wonderful of you to volunteer at a shelter! Those kids were lucky to have you!

I noticed that about the sleeves too! I'm surprised the one lady didn't take off because her sleeve looks like a hot air balloon!!

(but on a shallow note, Luca's hubby must be really hot because his brothers are gorgeous!!! Too bad the one who busted out his pants wasn't going commando!!)

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(but on a shallow note, Luca's hubby must be really hot because his brothers are gorgeous!!! Too bad the one who busted out his pants wasn't going commando!!)

Down girl, down! Yep, my hubby looks like his brothers and sisters...
he is a cutie! And was especially hot way back when, but oh were'nt we all....picture a smaller built Chippendale's dancer....Oy!

His brother is a hilarious dude (the one with the pants!), but did/does have a bit of the College football player ego to go along with it!

Austin...I knew you could relate to how things go in Texas! It is a whole other world about some things!

I think the reason the one sister's dress has smaller sleeves (or it appears so anyway) is that she took out the tissue paper....

I love the pics, Luca.

Back in the old days when I was tiny i used to dress up in outrageously puffy things jsut because I liked dressing up in outrageous things. i would have made great use of one of those baloon dresses.

Hubby and pants guy are adorable, as are you.

Ahhh! Thanks Frazz! The two guys are my husband's brothers...he is cute though too!

I would have loved to see you in one of those balloon dresses! That is the perfect word to describe them!

Lord Luca that story is hysterical! I desperately needed a laugh today and that story gave it to me. I was LMAO at the tissue paper in the sleeves! I bet your hubby is a doll. Thanks again for telling the story.

Aerwin, glad you got a good laugh from the wedding recap! It is good to think of the humorous aspects of it all!

I think we need to pick a fitting theme song to go with the story!

Luca, that's hilarious! Thanks for the visual aids. That made it so much better.

OK, so I have a stranger than fiction story that I blogged aobut on my livejournal. If you'd like me to re-post it here, I will, but you can see it beautifully laid out on my livejournal

OMFG GE! You need a major hug, back rub, gourmet dinner, stiff drink etc, etc, etc, after that day from holy hell!

Thanks for sharing it- idefinitely love your writing style!. I hope it brought your blood pressure down a few notches to get your experience down on paper!

Without ruining the story for everyone, let me just say...that made me think you were in some sort of 3rd world communist nation or something, and they were accusing you of being a spy or something!