Personal Struggles--hard times, advice, progress

So sorry you lost your friend Frazzle. (((Fraz))))

Thanks for the hugs.

He was an extremely cool and bizarre guy, an actor and theatre director whose long time girlfriend is one of my most beloved girlfriends.

I had told her my new phone number several times, but she is absent minded.

I called her tonight and the voice on the machine was his.

I both laughed at his wit (I am certain he made her do that before he went, in that for decades it has been her voice on the machine), and cried for missing him.

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I both laughed at his wit (I am certain he made her do that before he went, in that for decades it has been her voice on the machine), and cried for missing him.

That would have freaked me out a bit. But, like you said, it was kind of a bittersweet gift to hear his voice again.

Did you know he was sick at all or did this catch you completely off guard?
Do you know if there is going to be any kind of funeral or gathering of friends to remember him?

I am so sorry you lost a friend. Hugs for you Frazzle.

Thanks, sky.

Luca, hearing his voice really did freak me out before I got it that it was perfectly his sense of wicked humor TO freak everybody out as a sayonar to the world, while also giving his friends some weird comfort at getting to hear his voice again.

I had been out of tough with them for the past year...I always seemed to call when they were madly busy.

I knew he had a brush with cancer several years ago, but was fine again for a few years after that.

Damn. I really, really, wish I'd known.

Don't feel so bad about not knowing, just cherish your memories and getting to hear his voice one last time. It's so hard losing those you care about, hugs to you.

THe memorial for my old friend is happening on Saturday. He was a very popular guy, so I hope there is room for me.

And then today I got news that another delightful old pal from a theater group I was in just found out he has asbestos lung disease (it has some fancy medical name). It is incurable.

His wife is posting a wonderfully moving, joyous and hearbreaking blog about what they are going through.

They have been trying to figure out when and where he might have encountered asbestos. Might have been his father's airplane parts shop when he was a teen, or a ceramics workshop when he was in college, or a job constructing sets for movie studios at one point when they did use asbestos (yes, working for the producers who refuse to pay the writers for their work that is shown on the internet)...but they aren't sure.

It has spread to both lungs, and they have decided to have as much joy and happiness for the rest of his time on earth, rather than trying to cure the incurable. They have been told he has from six moths to a year.

They want their friends to embrace the path they have chosen, quality of life-versus quantity. It is inoperable, and the only possible treatments are radiation or heavy chemo, both of which will make his remaining days very unpleasant, and cannot ultimately cure what he has, anyway.

I hope I can come up to the level of joyous celebration they are hoping for, but I am not at all there yet.

Get to the memorial service early to get a good seat! I am sure it will be a beautiful service!!

I am so sorry about your friend How horrible for them. I think they have made the right decision though, since there is not much chance those options will be of any real help. My friend and neighbor, who died of cancer 3 years ago, spent the last summer of her life traveling to different states and Mexico trying experimental treatments instead of spending it with her young children. I guess I understand why she did it, but since none of it helped her I can't help but wish she had spent those last few months with her family and friends. It's a tough choice, but your friends sound like people who really understand the importance of the quality of time. I wish them strength to get through this and I hope they get to do lots of wonderful things in the next 6 to 12 months! His wife is lucky she will have a friend like you there for her when that terrible day comes. I hope his passing is peaceful.

My dad's lungs are starting to fill with fluid. I know that is not good. They are going to try to get him to sit up more and see if that helps. He did have some trouble talking to me on Weds. He gets out of breath quite easily now.

I bought a book at Kohls that is called "A Father's Legacy - Your Life's Story in Your Own Words" where the father fills in lots of answers about his entire life. The purpose of it is to pass it down thru the generations. I am working on it with my dad. He cannot write so I write the answers in. It is many pages and I do not know if there is time left to get through it all with him, but it is a really beautiful book and my mom can help with some of the answers. I am hoping to have it completed when there is a memorial service for him. They have them for mothers and grandparents too. When I am through with the one for my dad I am going to get one for my mom that she can write in herself. Perhaps she will like having that to keep her busy when my father is gone. They will make wonderful keepsakes for me also. So those of you who still have your parents may want to check them out. They are at Kohls in the wrapping paper section and are only $13 with tax. They are lovely little journals!

Thanks FC.

I think the book sounds great.

My father was quite the raconteur and Ioften tried to get gim to just write up stuff about his life. It never happened, but the book might have worked to make it easier for him to write it.

Frazzle wrote:

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It has spread to both lungs, and they have decided to have as much joy and happiness for the rest of his time on earth, rather than trying to cure the incurable. They have been told he has from six moths to a year.

They want their friends to embrace the path they have chosen, quality of life-versus quantity. It is inoperable, and the only possible treatments are radiation or heavy chemo, both of which will make his remaining days very unpleasant, and cannot ultimately cure what he has, anyway.

Frazz, I am so glad you are planning on going to your other friend's memorial. I hope you get to partially relive some of the best times with him by talking about his life with his other friends and family.

About your other friend that has been diagnosed with incurable cancer and has chosen to go for quality vs. quantity. I think that is very beautiful and wise. I see what many end stage cancer patients go through trying for that last chance at a cure and it usually involves quite a bit of suffering.

It takes a special Physician to lay out all the options and not try to play God and offer that one last round of treatment as false hope, and just
tell it like it is to allow the patient to make an informed choice about how they want to go out.

FC, that is such a wonderful thing you are doing for your Dad and Mom. So glad you have had time to start working on it. I bet it has been helpful for your Dad to think about his life retrospectively and share it with you too.

Yes ladies, it is a wonderful book. I couldn't work on it with him today. Dad had a really bad night due to the allergic reaction he had to meds. that gave him a horrible itchy rash.. My mom said he never closed his eyes. So finally this morning he got to sleep so I figured I wouldn't go and bother him. I will go back on Monday. He has some guys who he used to work with coming to visit him tomorrow and I know talking with them will tire him out. I just wish I had known about this book way back in April after the first amputation. I spent so many hours with him at the hospital and rehab stays that we would have had it all done by now and before it was so difficult for him to talk. Also he wouldn't have felt I was doing this just because he was dying

My goodness.

I sure with I were a more evolved human.

I am smart, so I know how I am supposed to feel about things.

But they tend not to be the way I actually feel.

I am still horrified, unpeaceful, and full of terrible anxiety every time I think of my best friend's last weeks. While I was with her I did my damnedest to force myself to be as highly evolved as possible. But the cost of that has left me with major unfinished business, and this new flock of deaths and gonna die stuff is bringing up how angry I am about the desertions, how pissed I am about people not bothering to tell me, about my fucking life in general, and how come I don't know how to live it better.

The suffering of others here breaks my heart so badly I feel utterly useless.

Sky, losing a twin is as horrifying as anything I can imagine.

FC's love for her dad fills me with more of a sweet heartbreak, because that one is bound to come for almost everybody.

My own father's death still fills me with too many complicated emotions for me to get it finally resolved.

I NEED MONEY so I can go to some brilliant therapist.

ANd yes, it pisses me off that I am a financial dunce.

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I am smart, so I know how I am supposed to feel about things.

But they tend not to be the way I actually feel.

Feelings aren't "supposed." They just are. Death is a secret dread we all live with; sometimes events brings the reality of it closer to the surface and we are forced to confront it, but it lurks for us all. My mom cheated it this December, and we still have her, but I am more aware of the limited time my parents have left, more aware that, now that I know what thirty and forty years feels like, I can feel the end of my own days and sense the degree to which they are not, after all, as infinite as they seemed when I was 20.

I have a co-worker who informs me that she died for a few minutes when she was a teenager. She's seen all the things the NDE experts talk about - hovering above her own body, watching them work on her, going through the tunnel, meeting that infinite source of joy and love - and she said, now that she's actually glimpsed that other side, that's its actually beautiful; it is this side that is hard. It wasn't as if she was boasting, it just came up naturally in conversation and she talked about it like I might discuss how surreal it was to be chatting with my doctor during my c-section.

My husband listened to my story very nicely and was quite quick to point out that the dying brain comes up with hallucinations, especially when we have been told what to expect...

I don't know. George hasn't been dead for a few minutes; Eva has. She knows what she saw. George knows what he's read from skeptics who also have not been dead for a few minutes. I myself have had moments where I sensed there was reality out there that we cannot usually perceive; just because it is not scientifically measurable in this dimension does not mean it does not exist.

I don't think this is all we have. It isn't just my religious background talking; I am not at all sure that the orthodox view of Heaven and Hell (and your assignment to either place being determined by whether or not, when confronted with an enormous potpourri of religious theories, you had the good fortune to guess correctly) is really the complete picture of what happens in eternity.

I believe in that source of love that Eva experienced. I think I've felt it.

Abrahammy, thanks for reminding me of that.

I had the flu very badly once when I was about 18 and I had a total sense of surrendering to death and it was actually very lovely.

It was such an amazing experience, and there was nobody around that I could talk to about it.
got better, obviously, and did not die.

I think it is not the actual dying person's death that gerts me, it is the fucked uppedness of living with loss and un resolved things that should have gotten resolved that is the crux of my misery.

There is just so much I need to heal, and "complete" and in spite of many prior years of therapy, I am stil all conflicted and unpeaceful

Part of my fear is that I kinda would rather die, since I am certain it will be more peaceful, than live with all the wars within me.

Another, thankfully more powerful, part of me, the warrior me, says, NO FUCKING WAY WILL YOU DIE until you have solved a bunch more of your isses.

I've heard people say that funerals are not for the dead; they are therapy for the living.

Dying may not be as hard as surviving. But we are wired to want to survive. There's a reason why we have that warrior spirit; we do not want to give in. There's a reason we are here.

If we love, we must grieve, for the only way to avoid loss is never to have anything worthwhile. We grieve because we love. It hurts because something valuable existed, and nothing remains visible forever - at least, not on this plane of being. So to grieve is to have a soul.

I don't have anything profound to say on this subject except death sux. I swear I still miss my Dad and grandparents ecery single solitary day. I has not gotten much better for me. I feel for anyone going through the tragedy of having someone taken away.

I have to believe what Abrahammy's friend told her about death. It comforts me to think they are all in lovely place.

Wow Frazz! I don't even know what to say or how to help I feel so sad that you are struggling so with issues. I sure wish there was a way we could all hug you I am so sorry you have lost and are losing so many people you love. I just cannot think of enough or the right words that can comfort you right now, other than we love you and are here for you

Abrahammy, thank you so much for sharing that story with us!! I so needed to hear that right now! I have seen many people on TV describe that happening to them. I used to believe in that strongly. Then of course all the "scientific people" came out with theories that took away my hope about Heaven and the afterlife. Losing that faith and hope was a horribly depressing thing for me to deal with Reading about your co-worker today helped me get a little of that faith back. I really want to believe that when my dad's time comes that is what it will be like for him. That his folks and his brother will be there to welcome him!

My husband also said something yesterday that really helped me. I was saying how it is so unfair that this all has happened to my dad because he has always been such a wonderful and religious man. Rob said "all of that goodness and devotion to God is for the next life, not this one. That is when it really matters!" I really like that way of looking at it. That dad was earning his way to that better place. Ffrazz, you have talked about how wonderful your friends are, so that was their way of earning that better place.

Yes, Frazz you are right. Losing a parent is something we all expect to have happen. The thing is my dad has been through so much health-wise for decades and always came through. I just kept thinking he was always going to come through. I knew life was going to be a real challenge for him after the second amputation, but I honestly did not see the heart attack coming So yes, you do know in the back of your mind your whole life that you are going to have to bury your parents, yet you keep thinking "someday, not yet". At least that is the way it has been for me.

Abrahammy wrote:

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I've heard people say that funerals are not for the dead; they are therapy for the living.

Dying may not be as hard as surviving. But we are wired to want to survive. There's a reason why we have that warrior spirit; we do not want to give in. There's a reason we are here.

If we love, we must grieve, for the only way to avoid loss is never to have anything worthwhile. We grieve because we love. It hurts because something valuable existed, and nothing remains visible forever - at least, not on this plane of being. So to grieve is to have a soul.

That was so beautifully said and so completely true! You are incredibly wise and so gifted with the skill of expressing your feelings and beliefs with the written word!

Aerwin, it breaks my heart that you still grieve so for your beloved family members that have passed away I wish I could hug you too. I know I will probably carry my dad in my heart everyday for the rest of my life on this planet. I cannot even imagine family celebrations without him being "physically" there. I will just have to believe he is with us in spirit. My dad has ALWAYS been there for me. ALWAYS! For every single little thing I have ever needed my whole life. So much advise and help. A shoulder to cry on. A friend as much as a parent. It is going to be so strange to not see and hear him.

Wow, reading all these posts is depressing. We all know death happens, it isn't easy, we sometimes can't change it, we just have to deal with it. I find that images stay with me almost forever, and sometimes the images are good ones and the others, I wish weren't there.

Fraz, it's been quite a few years since I lost my twin, it isn't easy but what makes it easier is she left a couple of wonderful sons and we share her memories with each other. The image on this death is seeing her in the hospital and barely recognizing her because of her illness and it had been a while since we had seen her. That was her choice, not mine. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself. It was devastating to lose her, part of me is gone but I try to remember the happy images and memories.

It's been even longer that I lost my Dad, and I think of him always. My mother, I wasn't close to and did not live with her growing up so her death wasn't as hard.

If anyone ever figures out how to deal with a lot of stuff in their lives, could you please let me know........

Oh Sky, that is so sad that you didn't really know your mom and that your twin had issues and you did get to see her as much as you would have liked Big hugs to you my friend!

I wish I knew the answer of how to deal with all the sadness in life. Maybe extra hugs with the loved ones we do have with us. Good friends. Good music and food! Dolls Clay Aiken!!!

Again, that was my Mother's choice...........by the time she did decide to be part of our lives, no bond had been formed. I think it was more like an adopted child must feel when meeting their birth mother, and not having that bond one must get being raised and nurtured by a mother. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I don't have many memories of her in the home, some from later on when she remarried and had other children and we had to have our visitations with her. I find it weird that I have no memories growing up of her, not even many of the visiting memories............

I just got back from my friend's memorial.

It was wonderful, full of crazy theater people, moving and funny.

The most important thing is that I got to give my friend Marilyn, the spouse of the guy, a real hug. A real, real hug.

That was the most important thing.

Everybody was trying to say important things to her, out of their love for them both. I knew that I had noting that would mean anything in that moment. So I just hugged her, let her cry, and comforted her, and myself.

That's the best thing, Fraz.....................

I am so glad that it was a wonderful memorial! That hug must have felt so good for both of you! Believe me it meant the world to Marilyn! I hope you get to give each other many hugs in the future. I'll keep her in my thoughts and prayers!

Hugs to you Fraz for being the classy lady that you are.

Sorry I'm coming into this conversation so late.

Frazz, as usual, your thoughts echo my own.

Yes, I'm afraid of dying, but also because it's that big fat finish line there and I haven't accomplished anything I wanted to in my life. Sometimes, when I'm down, I tell myself it's too late, but I've seen people achieve their dreams when they're in their 60's. People who were told they were much too old to follow their dream, but did it anyway.

So, I try to hold onto that and "rage against the dying of the light" and continue on my path. I use that fear to light a fire under me to get my ass in gear. It gets me to take a step towards my goal.

I made a deal with myself to accomplish something every day towards my dreaml. It doesn't have to be big, just something that moves me forward.

Frazz, it's rough enough for me when my friends' parents pass away. I can't imagine seeing the same happen to my friends. I am glad you got to give your friend a real hug. Sometimes just doing that can heal both you and the person you're giving comfort to.

The world would be a much less interesting place without you in it, Frazz, so don't you give up, OK? If anyone can make things happen through sheer will, it's you.